Captain’s Log, Stardate 12.31.04 I feel like I accomplished something today, I balanced the checkbook and filed a few things that needed to be put away. I had a great quiet time this morning, using "Authenticity" by Bill Hybels. He went into methods for journaling and prayer. He uses ACTS: Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication. But my Adoration and Thanksgiving kind of melded together. He also spends time Listening, asking key questions that all start with "What’s my next step in . . ." It was a neat way for me to hear the prompting of the Spirit, bringing up issues and topics I need to work on in different areas of my life: Ministry, People, Family, Personal. I liked how Bill Hybels broke up his prayer into those areas. It’s made me wonder if I should spend more time and paper journaling, versus just writing key praises and prayer requests in my new journal. The problem is that I like how easy it is to find my prayer requests...

Captain’s Log, Stardate 12.30.04 I had a good quiet time today with God. My Bible study is starting a new book, Authenticity by Bill Hybels. The study sessions (six in all) are pretty good, but very long because they ask me to think so deeply, so I’m splitting the session into smaller manageable pieces. Today was great because the study made me realize that I go through my day focusing on my agenda, my responsibilities, my goals. As a result, I miss the people around me. I’m more caught up in my back pain than in how my chiropractor is doing. I’m more focused on how a phone call interrupted me rather than on the person who called to chat. I’m working in my head on the things I’ll say to my boss rather than seeking God’s will for what to do. I read Psalm 46, where David marvels at God’s hand in the things that happen to him, and he affirms his trust in God to deliver and protect him. This made me realize that I need to foster that kind of perspective, to see God in...

Captain’s Log, Stardate 12.29.04 I had a wonderful word of encouragement from Sharon today. She pointed out that I have a lot of fear-based thinking: If I don’t make the right decision, God won’t bless my writing career. That’s so limiting to God. Plus I’m human, of course I’m going to make mistakes. God’s grace is big enough to cover me. If my heart is earnestly seeking His will, even if I foul up, He forgives and He still blesses. I am feeling better today about returning to work. Last night, my husband was very honest about how he’d prefer I have a stable job because he can’t guarantee he’ll even have a job at the end of January. Apparently this coming month will make or break his start-up company. I don’t know what I’ll do if work is so bad that I have to quit, despite not having another job lined up. I guess we’ll talk about it then. He has said he doesn’t want me to work for a bad manager, but I don’t know if he realizes how hard it is for me to return to this com...

Captain’s Log, Stardate 12.28.04 The holidays passed quietly here at home because of my surgery and my husband's hectic work schedule. Instead of a huge family dinner, we had a beef roast done in the rotisserie, silky mashed potatoes (they turned out even better than I expected) and a wonderfully sweet, gooey chocolate Lava Cake with real whipped cream. No cooking something to bring to a get-together, no rushing out the door to be somewhere in time. It was nice. Almost anti-climactic, after the years of family parties with gift-unwrapping and enough food to feed a starving Fraternity. Emotionally, I’m in a hard place. I unloaded on Sharon , poor woman. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Here’s what I wrote: I am wrestling with God. I think He wants me to go back to work. I have been reading devotionals on rejoicing in all situations, and leaning on Him in hardship, and He will deliver me. I want to be willing to do His will, but my heart is heavy. I feel kin...

Captain’s Log, Stardate 12.14.04 The insurance got cleared up rather painlessly. My company admin called because apparently she needs to verify all Open Enrollment changes, and she also had power to add benefits changes for employees. So she added our health, dental and vision coverage. I am rather apprehensive about going back to work. The physical therapist recommended that I not return until January 5th, 2005 , but I am already dreading the day. Today I read Psalm 37 and took perverse pleasure in imagining all the horrible things that will befall the wicked, shame on me. But the Psalm also talks about not fretting and trusting in God, and I need to remember that His hand is over all things. “Pray and let God worry.” So I will work hard at my writing while I’m still home, and thank God for this time. Speaking of writing, it’s slow going. I’m struggling with that scene worksheet for some reason. Well, I sort of know the reason: I have a general outline of events, ...

Captain's Log Stardate 12.7.04 On Thursday last week, my husband got time off of work to pick up a mysterious FedEx package someone had sent us. I found out it was Open Enrollment for my insurance through work. The sheet with my name and password said it was from November 15th through the 30th, but the post-it note attached said I had until "Tuesday noon ." Then I logged on to the system on Sunday and discovered that I had actually missed Open Enrollment. So I looked at the FedEx package and found that it had been mailed on November 29th, the Monday after my surgery (which was on November 24th) and a day before the Enrollment ends. Well, that's just great. Work hadn't even emailed or called me to let me know the packet would be arriving, so I had no clue. Not that I would have been walking well enough by Monday to even answer the doorbell when the FedEx guy came. FedEx tried again on Wednesday December 1st (already past the Open Enrollment due date) an...

Stardate 12.4.04 Captain's Log The day after the ultrasound I peed like crazy and the swelling went down! The blisters popped or seeped or whatever. It was great! But then today there is a little bit more swelling inside my knee--I can feel it when I bend it. But I have an appointment with my chiropractor on Monday so if it gets worse, I can get ultrasound again to loosen things up and get it to drain. Also, last night I had terrible pain along the back of my knee when I straightened it, which hadn't happened before. I stretched my hamstring and eventually the pain lessened, but it was there when I woke up, and after a few more hours in the CPM machine it was back again. Each time I had to stretch my hamstring to make it go away. I hope it's just that the muscle is tight and not anything serious. My poor husband is sick with a cold. He has a mild fever, a headache and nausea. We didn't go to Youth Group tonight since he wasn't feeling up to it. ...