Westling with God

Captain’s Log, Stardate 12.28.04

The holidays passed quietly here at home because of my surgery and my husband's hectic work schedule. Instead of a huge family dinner, we had a beef roast done in the rotisserie, silky mashed potatoes (they turned out even better than I expected) and a wonderfully sweet, gooey chocolate Lava Cake with real whipped cream. No cooking something to bring to a get-together, no rushing out the door to be somewhere in time. It was nice. Almost anti-climactic, after the years of family parties with gift-unwrapping and enough food to feed a starving Fraternity.

Emotionally, I’m in a hard place. I unloaded on Sharon, poor woman. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Here’s what I wrote:

I am wrestling with God. I think He wants me to go back to work. I have been reading devotionals on rejoicing in all situations, and leaning on Him in hardship, and He will deliver me. I want to be willing to do His will, but my heart is heavy. I feel kind of like Jesus in Gethsemane. Please take this cup from Me, but Thy will be done. That sort of feeling, except I'm probably not as willing as Jesus was to do God's will.

I'm supposed to start work next week Wednesday. It's making me a bit depressed. It's hard to feel hope, now that I've once again tasted the life of a full-time writer (granted, a full-time *gimpy* writer). But I really don't want to disobey God like the Israelites did and get slaughtered by their enemies! I know in my head, Who am I to know better than God what's best for me? But at the same time I feel trepidation, distress and dread.

My husband got hired full-time at his start up company, so now he has benefits although he's still not being paid much. That's what made me start thinking I might be able to quit before returning to work, since we don't need my benefits anymore. I don't know how keen my husband is on that. I think he wants me to go back and see how things are, and if they're still bad, then to quit. That sounds reasonable but I can't get my heart to feel the courage to even go back.

I am trying to cling to the hope that God will deliver me, but I am so tired and weak. The stress of going back to work is making it hard for me to write. My husband is not home enough for me to talk to him, because he's so tired when he does get home late at night and he's not up to discussing things. I think I need supernatural courage and trust. Can God give me those? I so want to obey Him but at the same time I don't.

I will continue to pray and look to God for guidance. I am trying not to stress, but to give my burdens up to Him. It's getting harder the closer I get to the date I return to work.

I read through several Psalms today and feel a bit better. There is so much that David wrote about trusting in God, about how God delivered His people and persecuted their enemies. David continued to rejoice in God despite hardship. I don’t know if I’ve quite reached that point yet, but I feel better than I did earlier.

I finally finished my outline for my romantic suspense. I started writing, although it’s slow going. Partly because I’m finally watching Star Trek Voyager season 6, with season 7 in my Netflix queue! Good thing I only have three DVDs at a time or else I’d be plowing through them. As for my manuscript, I finished chapter three last night and worked a bit on chapter four today.

Well, I’m off to watch another Voyager disc!