Captain's Log, Stardate 07.09.2005
Okay, I should be writing but I'd like to share this.
The past three days I did some intense praying about my job. My friend Marilyn Hilton pointed out something I hadn't realized I was doing--praying out of fear.
Fear that I wasn't hearing God. Fear that I hadn't truly submitted myself to Him. Fear that I was worshiping my own desires as idols. Fear that I would choose a course out of His will. Fear that I'd disappoint Him.
The funny thing is, a few months ago my friend Sharon Hinck noticed I was doing the same thing--praying out of fear. I honestly didn't think I was fearful. But maybe it's that I don't have a complete understanding of God's LOVE. Not that I could ever truly understand His love, but maybe I don't even have a grasp of the finger of His love I could comprehend.
The past few weeks, God has been revealing to me just how much He really does love me--me specifically. Out of everyone in the world He knows and cares about me. He is so overwhelmingly loving that it brings me to tears when I can feel His presence during my prayers.
After realizing I was praying out of fear, my prayers changed. I didn't suddenly hear God's booming voice about my job direction, but I did feel more at peace.
I need to work on this fear thing, and this love thing.
I didn't get clear direction, but I did get snippets of things from my time with God. Lots of verses on how He will provide abundantly, give me the desires of my heart. (That was rather exciting!) And lots of verses on patience, waiting on the Lord. (Okay, not so exciting.)
I also heard a clear voice in my ear: "Come out from them and be separate." It could mean several things, I'll need to pray more. Please pray with me.
So I think I'll wait until after the conference in
One great thing I realized from this time of prayer is that I need to do this more often. Spending dedicated time with God refreshed me far beyond what I expected. I wonder if I can do something like this once a month from now on. I think I'll try.