Captain's Log, Stardate 01.14.2006
I really need prayer. I slipped on the wet bathroom floor today and now my knee is swollen. I bawled like a baby for over an hour because I'm so afraid I tore my ACL again. Yes, you read that right--again. As in, "number three."
It was my fault--I knew the floor was damp but I only wanted to put the plunger away and I had my slippers on.
I'm having a really hard time with this. I don't want to go in for surgery a third time. This is ridiculous and embarrassing. Why did God let this happen? We can't afford another surgery right now.
I was deeply depressed earlier today--I have a tendency to do that--but I'm feeling better now. I'm frightened and upset and in complete dread of what my PT will say on Monday--if she'll tell me she thinks the ACL is torn or not. I just had a doctor's appointment on Monday but I'll have to schedule another one next week. I can't imagine what he'll think if it's torn AGAIN.
My husband made me cry today when he waited for me to stop bawling and then said, "Let's pray over your knee." I know he felt at a loss because I was so hysterical, but he did his best to be supportive and comforting, even though it's hard for him to do that.
Bible in 90 Days: day 6. You better bet I read my Bible today. It's kind of silly, though. It's as if I hope that more diligent Bible reading is going to shower God's favor and healing on me. I know it doesn't work that way, but I persist in doing "spiritual" things at times of crisis as if it'll sway God's will into my corner.
It's God's will! There's nothing I can do to change His mind if He wants something to happen, like, oh, my ACL to tear. I know He has a reason for everything, but right now I don't see it and I'm resentful.
Writing: I didn't feel like doing anything earlier--that depression--but now I might be able to do writing work. What else can I do with a busted knee?
Diet: Had a sandwich for lunch with veggie chips. Okay, the veggie chips were extra calories but I didn't eat too many. And they're VEGGIE chips. Should be good for me, right? Better than the Fritos my husband is chomping on right now.
I admit, I ate the chips as comfort food. Wouldn't you if you thought you'd torn your ACL again?
I really need prayer. I slipped on the wet bathroom floor today and now my knee is swollen. I bawled like a baby for over an hour because I'm so afraid I tore my ACL again. Yes, you read that right--again. As in, "number three."
It was my fault--I knew the floor was damp but I only wanted to put the plunger away and I had my slippers on.
I'm having a really hard time with this. I don't want to go in for surgery a third time. This is ridiculous and embarrassing. Why did God let this happen? We can't afford another surgery right now.
I was deeply depressed earlier today--I have a tendency to do that--but I'm feeling better now. I'm frightened and upset and in complete dread of what my PT will say on Monday--if she'll tell me she thinks the ACL is torn or not. I just had a doctor's appointment on Monday but I'll have to schedule another one next week. I can't imagine what he'll think if it's torn AGAIN.
My husband made me cry today when he waited for me to stop bawling and then said, "Let's pray over your knee." I know he felt at a loss because I was so hysterical, but he did his best to be supportive and comforting, even though it's hard for him to do that.
Bible in 90 Days: day 6. You better bet I read my Bible today. It's kind of silly, though. It's as if I hope that more diligent Bible reading is going to shower God's favor and healing on me. I know it doesn't work that way, but I persist in doing "spiritual" things at times of crisis as if it'll sway God's will into my corner.
It's God's will! There's nothing I can do to change His mind if He wants something to happen, like, oh, my ACL to tear. I know He has a reason for everything, but right now I don't see it and I'm resentful.
Writing: I didn't feel like doing anything earlier--that depression--but now I might be able to do writing work. What else can I do with a busted knee?
Diet: Had a sandwich for lunch with veggie chips. Okay, the veggie chips were extra calories but I didn't eat too many. And they're VEGGIE chips. Should be good for me, right? Better than the Fritos my husband is chomping on right now.
I admit, I ate the chips as comfort food. Wouldn't you if you thought you'd torn your ACL again?
Comments
I had a hectic two days (ACT ONE workshop), and slept a total of 7 hours in three days. I am, well, not in my clearest mind at the moment.
God is our comfort in frustration, depression, and pain. Just bawl if you want to , but bawl to Him. He doesn't forget.
And DON'T WEAR SLIPPERS ON WET FLOORS. YOu may have to instigate a "comfy sneakers with good traction at all times" rule until your knee is 100% (I know. A pain. When I had horrible fasciitis that had me nearly cripped, I had to wear orthotics and sneakers for two years. TWO YEARS of no pretty shoes. Sneakers and boots with. But it made my feet all better. :)
YOU WILL BE WELL.
Or, as Julian the Anchoress said, "All shall be well, all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well."
One of my all time fave quotes.
Love ya,
Mir--also prone to depressions at such times, and much howling
My prayer requests:
Continued strength for diet/exercise
Great discipline and inspiration as I begin intensive writing week (as opposed to this last almost no writing, life is crazy week).
Except for Monday, all this week should be good for writing (barring another emergency, and yes, BAR IT, LORD, BAR IT!)
I have doc appts Monday and Thursday, so prayer for them to give me wise counsel and not miss any danger signs of anything. I'd rather have them catch something than live in ignorant unhealthy bliss.
For my family's salvation.
Mir
Make everyday a brand new diet day. I'm doing that today--less food, and I'll start some exercise too.
Whenever I read a prayer request, I pray immediately. Well, as I started to pray my dog, who was outside started to bark. Working on automatic pilot -- we don't want to be the neighbors with the annoying dog -- I hopped up from the computer, opened the door and yelled, "Lord!" Whoops. I meant to yell, "Belle!" LOL. I wonder what the neighbors will think now. At least my family didn't hear, they're all glued to the football game on TV.
Have a blessed week.
Praying for you! You poor thing. Let me know if you need any help.
Love ya,
D