Slipped and fell today

Captain's Log, Stardate 01.14.2006

I really need prayer. I slipped on the wet bathroom floor today and now my knee is swollen. I bawled like a baby for over an hour because I'm so afraid I tore my ACL again. Yes, you read that right--again. As in, "number three."

It was my fault--I knew the floor was damp but I only wanted to put the plunger away and I had my slippers on.

I'm having a really hard time with this. I don't want to go in for surgery a third time. This is ridiculous and embarrassing. Why did God let this happen? We can't afford another surgery right now.

I was deeply depressed earlier today--I have a tendency to do that--but I'm feeling better now. I'm frightened and upset and in complete dread of what my PT will say on Monday--if she'll tell me she thinks the ACL is torn or not. I just had a doctor's appointment on Monday but I'll have to schedule another one next week. I can't imagine what he'll think if it's torn AGAIN.

My husband made me cry today when he waited for me to stop bawling and then said, "Let's pray over your knee." I know he felt at a loss because I was so hysterical, but he did his best to be supportive and comforting, even though it's hard for him to do that.

Bible in 90 Days: day 6. You better bet I read my Bible today. It's kind of silly, though. It's as if I hope that more diligent Bible reading is going to shower God's favor and healing on me. I know it doesn't work that way, but I persist in doing "spiritual" things at times of crisis as if it'll sway God's will into my corner.

It's God's will! There's nothing I can do to change His mind if He wants something to happen, like, oh, my ACL to tear. I know He has a reason for everything, but right now I don't see it and I'm resentful.

Writing: I didn't feel like doing anything earlier--that depression--but now I might be able to do writing work. What else can I do with a busted knee?

Diet: Had a sandwich for lunch with veggie chips. Okay, the veggie chips were extra calories but I didn't eat too many. And they're VEGGIE chips. Should be good for me, right? Better than the Fritos my husband is chomping on right now.

I admit, I ate the chips as comfort food. Wouldn't you if you thought you'd torn your ACL again?