Terrible fight on Friday

10/31/04

It's probably not a coincidence that my friend Sharon has been reading about embracing your weaknesses lately, because I've been doing the same thing, sort of. Work this past week was TERRIBLE.

I complained to my supervisor's supervisor that my workload was just too much, so he called my supervisor in to talk to her, and she got super pissed off and took it out on me. We had an argument on Friday, and she leveled a few unfounded and totally unfair accusations at me.

She said I arrive late and leave early, so I told her I'm very conscientious about how long I work, if I arrive late then I stay late to finish my work, and if I have to leave early then I make sure I arrive earlier than normal. I was too upset to mention about the times she's had to leave early and I had to stay a little later to finish her work for her. She also said it takes me longer to do procedures than most people, but I told her that I take as long as she does, so she shouldn't accuse me of taking too long.

Then for the rest of the day she was rather snide and vindictive, with subtle hints denigrating my work quality. She's done that before, so I was trying to just let it slide off me, and her manager told me to not take it to heart, but at the same time a part of me is angry that I need to remain in such a hostile work environment. Her manager promised to transfer me, but that won't happen until January.

It took a long time of fuming, but I did choose to forgive her even though I don't feel particularily charitable. I've been trying to remember that I can't do anything on my own, that God will take care of me. I have no need to worry about my interactions with her; because of my own weaknesses, I can let Him deal with her by His strength and power.

But there are times I feel moments of terror and panic about work tomorrow. I'm so tired and depressed, and trying to fight the spiritual warfare practically every minute of the day. It's totally ruining my weekend.

I'm trying to remember that I want to be following His will and not doing anything I'd regret or be ashamed of, as if God is going to rescue me tomorrow. Reading the Psalms has been very comforting. I need to remember that vengeance is the Lord's, that I have chosen to forgive her, which means it's as if it never happened. But that's not exactly right, because it did happen. Oh, my brain is so fried today.

I'm so tempted to just quit, even though my husband still doesn't have a solid job, and trust God to provide a job for me. But 1) my husband would freak, 2) I don't know if that's very responsible of me, and 3) I don't know if that's what God would want me to do.

I'd much rather stay in a bad situation if escape is not God's will for me, but how do I know if I'm staying when I don't have to? I don't have any other jobs lined up, and it isn't as if my book sold and I could devote my time to writing the next one or editing. I am in a holding pattern in turbulent weather and my radio com is staticky.

I don't know if I can write today, I keep thinking about it. I'm tempted to watch DVDs to distract my mind.